Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bollywood in 2007

Disclaimer: This was written sometime back.

Dearest Sanjana,

As I write this I am perturbed and at the same time alarmed at the present scene of our Film Industry. I feel like the ever-disturbed leading character of parallel cinema who seem to take the burden of whole world. It’s been quite some time you wrote to me and asked for what’s happening in/at/about/to our common love: Bollywood. Not that the prospect of it has improved or gone to rubbles since last time we spoke of it. All I mean is I am missing those wonderful moments we used to spent discussing the nuances of our shared love. So, here I tell you some of the interesting happenings of the last year. And now by interesting I meant: So-bloody-badly-silly-that-they-are-freaking-super-interesting.

The year started with a huge slap on our face with Water getting Oscar nominations in the top five best foreign films category as a Canadian entry. And that reminds me how we always devalued all the awards and believed in celebrating the performances rather awards. But don’t you agree it could have been our entry thanks to interference of Sangh Parivar. It served us right.

This however got sidelined as soon as we got to know our long-legged Shilpa Shetty has created a mini-riot-sort inside the closed doors of some reality show. She cried haplessly for being called something which loosely meant something which now I do not remember. And bang, she was everywhere. Later she went onto craft out some appropriate politically-incorrect-to-our-society scenes with a gora who is nowadays seen in this part of globe most of the times.

Next in the pipeline was the debut in acting of singer-composer Himesh Reshammiya. Believe you me he had the freaking guts to go unbuttoned showing cleavage even Mallika could not handle. You know one thing I like about him that he is quite a genuine person when it comes to faking and sucking. And I remember how you laughed your lungs out when I mentioned if we remove his cap he might lose his singing capability. I still say that. But how to make him stop acting now that he had another fit of guts making him touch the Rishi starrer Karz (titled Kkkaarrzz something like that). High time he got married to Ekta Kapoor. Don’t you believe they complement each other so much and are perfect for each other?

Oh yea and somewhere in between these above mentioned things Abhishek got married to Aishwarya. I wish to ignore talking on them. But as I promised I will talk of only interesting ones. Abhiwarya marriage was nauseating enough to make you believe in comparison that Rakhi Sawant is indeed a girl.

The other most interesting incident was another remake of Three Men and a Baby (after being remade by every single country that makes movie all over the world) titled Heyy Baby by debutant Sajid Khan (now don’t ask Sajid, who?). Arrey, Farah’s ditto who wears trousers and speaks as if he was stuffed with sh*t. His jokes are still cheap-as-him. The only good thing is he has been permanently banned from hosting Filmfare awards which has been taken over by possibly sleeping together duo SRK-Saif. Okay, coming to Heyy Baby, there were a dozen out-of-work babies dancing with these high-on-libido men in positions straight out of our own Kamasutra. That makes me wonder why they get offended when their MMS gets leaked. And another highly interesting point was Vidya Balan’s outfit for which she was almost forced to commit suicide. Serves her right. I can feel the instant kick you would be getting upon hearing this.

And you would be shocked and intrigued to know what happened next? Everyone seemed to be shedding clothes at the drop of hat. By everyone I mean male actors. We are yet to see female species of our industry trading that path though Rakhis and Sherlyns are inching towards that. First I thought they are competing with Shekhar Suman who unashamedly showed the cleavage on TV so much that now Himesh got complex. But naah, that wasn’t the case. They were just going Salman way after being advised and sort-of-trained-to-look-presentable by Salman himself. Actors in question here are SRK, John and a newcomer Ranbir. SRK after getting glossy six packs did rising-out-of-water act which I am sure would have made you puked right on his face. The second act was that of John shedding his top and looking endlessly at himself in the mirror while smoking and uttering something which meant “I love myself”, which made me believe his not showing bottom was surely at work by his not showing hand. Eeks, so much for self-love. Whereas the other act was silliest by any standard when Ranbir dropped his towel which made half the females drool and hyperventilate and do many other things. Out of these, six-pack gained over bare butts. And I can guess the question that popped in your head at this point. Was there hair? No darling. There weren’t. Not even teensy weensy ones. As smooth as baby’s bottom. Put you off right? What is alarming is that other like Akshay, Hrithik are following the suit. And trust me there aren’t any more heroes left a la older ones who used to give you an urge to write blood letter to them. That’s a relief to me. Sigh. J. But since when paani-me-jale-mera-gora-badan became male territory? Wasn’t that supposed to be for fairer sex?

You know how much people all over the world do get influenced by Bollywood in some way (not necessarily Indians). But this act of our male actors inspired many so much so those French and Russian presidents were also seen topless on their respective holidays.

So many got dumped too. And at one point of time it was so confusing you could not have for the heck of guessing also made out who was doing whom? Lara dumped Kelly. Kareena dumped Shahid. John was dumped and then picked. And the confusion was Bipasha dumped John for Saif who was picked by Kareena after she dumped Shahid who has now been purportedly picked by Vidya. I had to write their names on paper and join lines. I wish you were here to solve it for me sooner. Oh yes, one more thing. No one was in mourning for more than a day I guess. They were all getting dumped and picked at same rate. That makes me wonder, one moment they are deep-sucking each other tongue and next moment they go kaput and very next moment deep-sucking someone else. I miss the surrealism of the golden era and the on/off screen romances of our yesteryear stalwarts. Do you after reading this?

And there was return of mummies sort too. Though one of the returns happened recently but has been in news since last year. So these were by balding-in-front Madhuri Dixit and badly-in-need-of-threading Kajol. Madhuri still managed to win few (countable) hearts but Kajol deep-sucked in her own way.

And grand-mother of all was RGV Ki Aag. RGV Ki Aag came and burnt us offensively to be honest. It was an irredeemably flawed attempt wherein the script was written on toilet paper and flushed soon after wiping the @ss. But, I know you will agree to me when I say I still have faith in that guy who gave us Rangeela, Satya, and Company.

Until next time I see you.

Lots of Love.



vimmuuu said...

Gr8 post buddy. But was this a letter to some Sanjana???

Speaking of going topless and getting packs, I was scared if Amitabh Bachchan would also get a six pack at the end of the year.

How come u didnt mention abt Chak de? Guess what, I am one of those few souls who didnt thinks chak de is over rated like crazy. and SRKs performance in the movie is even more over rated.all he did was keep mum, grunt here and there and he walked away with most of the awards. I mean, his presence was too less in the movie to win a best actor award !!!

But overall, according to me, 2007 was a good year for bollywood; movies like Black friday, Johnny Gaddar, Manorama, Bheja Fry etc. were really good.

Smita said...

Abhi comment karne ka mood nahin hai :P

Oxymoronic said...

@ Vimmuuuu,

Haha Sanjana is a mystery, maybe someday I will tell you..

Lol @ Amitabh getting six pack.. U know someday I will write on Bachchans and trust me that won't be some sugary stuff..:)

I intentionally skipped about Chak De, wasn't keen of that. SRK was overrated...I agree totally..

2007 was indeed better compared to this year boy..

@ Smita,

Achha hai.. Vaise kabhi hota bhi nahi hai aapka mood comment karne ka pata hai apun ko..

vimmuuu said...

@ Oxy :

Theres a typo in my comment, I guess you already got it.
"Guess what, I am one of those few souls who didnt thinks chak de is over rated like crazy"...that 'didnt' isnt supposed to be there !!

Oxymoronic said...

@ Vimmuuu,

Yups I got that.. :):) and again yes I agree its overly hyped

*Aham* said...

omg, you really love cinema. apni jamegi... okie there are a few things on which id like to express my views.

i liked water, but it was no oscar material. fire and earth were way tooo good in comparison. This time I am happy that India's loss is canada's loss too. Secondly, there are so so many GOOD regional films. You dont have to send a freaking Jeans (or what is that shahrukh movie Bhoot waala)

shilpa shetty... i knew she looked like a lizard in baazigar, she like a hawk in main khiladi, and like an ostrich in mr. romeo. teh lady has come a long way with very "passable" looks. i only liked her in phir milenge, and that too because of revathy's direction.

Himeeeessss bhai: ewww... he is teh new swear. he is the new abuse. teh other day i was singing from my nose, and had donned a hat.One of my friends told me Himeesss Bhai. I am still recuperating.

Ranbir has "Butt" naturally kept up to the legacy of his genes. NO NO NO NO... its not only women wished that they saw something more, he is a Gay Icon.

Ektaa Kapoor, I love her immensely. The fact is that she could make a Kyunki Saas and Kya Kool Hai Hum and A Mahabharat... all different genre... is truly amazing. She and Aamir khan are the two people who should be awarded the title of "marketing guru"

shekar sumans cleavage...ewwww!
Rakhi Sawant, she is a woman with balls. I mean, how many vernacs who could be dismissed as a bar dancer made it big in the film/TV/reality TV industry... and still maintained their style, diction, language,antics... NO ONE.

Sajid's 3 gay men and one lesbian woman... flick(vidya was looking unattracted by the 3 guys and she didnt have anything that was attractive wnough for those 3 guys, the boys were boys, having bath together etc etc. etc etc ...)
... was extremely scatterbrainsh. Vidya needs to use some push up bra's. let me put it bluntly a fine actress with sagging boobs is a bad combination. Hey Baby... is a one time see. But you cant try to make sense in the movie.

John.. he is every man and woman's dream boy. Well mannnered. Articulate. Just that he should keep away from Priyadarshan comedies. Its Injurious to his career.

Madhuri Dixit,she is more a dancer. Vaibhavi Merchant screwed Madhuri's comeback Plans by choreographing aaja nachle. And madhuri, deserved this. How could she not insist that saroj khan choreograph her sequences. Sridevi always insists that saroj doews her choreography. Even farah was a good bet, but afsoos she was celeberating her triplet bonanza.

kajol and imran khan(jaane tu..) need to trim their eyebrows. I second you at that.

Lara, Charlie Chaplin and I share a comman birthdate, 16 april. She has been emotional but matured. She still meets Kelly on social dos and they are friends. Bebo..Kareena she is a kid, immature and foolish to the core. God saved shahid. But id not be surprised if she take a U turn and comes back to shahid.

Ram Gopal Varma ki aag... if it was just ram gopal varma ki aag, still people wouldve watched teh movie.. atleast it wouldve ran for a week. But due to the comparison with sholay, the whole film got screwed. Secondly ramu should start earning by making good films rather than just casting actors, basis how much money they pay to get casted. SMart Ass, Silly Marketeer.

Oxymoronic said...


Haan zaroor jamegi... bilkul jamegi.. abhi thoda tight chal raha hai schedule... zaroor fursat me reply dunga aapke comments ka.. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘Valuable Junk’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)


Oxy said...

Hey Ray,

I checked the site you suggested. And I am there already.

Thanks & Regards

๑۩۞۩๑♥V♥๑۩۞۩๑ said...

what a gr8 critic you are.
well who started this pck thingy? Hritik?

i don't watch much of bollywood..all copies of some hollywood flick and the originals have silly scripts.

for last 12 years i have been going to cinema to watch Hollywood movies only.Some of theirs such too...but majority are marvelous.

Oxy said...


I have been watching both Bollywood and Hollywood and also movies of other foreign languages for ages now. I guess I am total filmy... Yes, Bollywood has long way to go before they match up with Korean/German/French/Iranian and Hollywood movies. Well, some movies of theirs suck too but they got quality work as well....

This pack thingy was started by Salman n Sanjay, long before hrithik took over and long before it was overly hyped by SRK. Last heard Himesh gonna do too.. hehe..

Thnx for the visit.

๑۩۞۩๑♥V♥๑۩۞۩๑ said...

ohh so u filmy eh??

well have u seen REVOLVER???

Oxy said...

No, I haven't yet, though its in my collection along with other 150-something which I have downloaded. And I have them sorted based on my own categories. Jab iska turn aayega tab dekha jayega.

๑۩۞۩๑♥V♥๑۩۞۩๑ said...

wacth it man...ASAP.

and listen to those awesome dialogues.The backdrop the slow the story..will just blow you away.

Oxy said...

Ah, looks like this particular one need to be upgraded and must be watch soon.. Ok Sir. Will surely let u know once done.

Btw, what are the genres you really enjoy watching when it comes to Hollywood flicks? Yea, U haven't asked me yet but I would say: Classics, Documentaries, Drama would take the top slot followed by Thriller, Crime and Biography.

Horror, Comedy and Animation get the last priority.

๑۩۞۩๑♥V♥๑۩۞۩๑ said...


Oxy said...

ah, missed mentioning action and also romantic ones (to an extent though).