Bollywood in 2007

Disclaimer: This was written sometime back.

Dearest Sanjana,

As I write this I am perturbed and at the same time alarmed at the present scene of our Film Industry. I feel like the ever-disturbed leading character of parallel cinema who seem to take the burden of whole world. It’s been quite some time you wrote to me and asked for what’s happening in/at/about/to our common love: Bollywood. Not that the prospect of it has improved or gone to rubbles since last time we spoke of it. All I mean is I am missing those wonderful moments we used to spent discussing the nuances of our shared love. So, here I tell you some of the interesting happenings of the last year. And now by interesting I meant: So-bloody-badly-silly-that-they-are-freaking-super-interesting.

The year started with a huge slap on our face with Water getting Oscar nominations in the top five best foreign films category as a Canadian entry. And that reminds me how we always devalued all the awards and believed in celebrating the performances rather awards. But don’t you agree it could have been our entry thanks to interference of Sangh Parivar. It served us right.

This however got sidelined as soon as we got to know our long-legged Shilpa Shetty has created a mini-riot-sort inside the closed doors of some reality show. She cried haplessly for being called something which loosely meant something which now I do not remember. And bang, she was everywhere. Later she went onto craft out some appropriate politically-incorrect-to-our-society scenes with a gora who is nowadays seen in this part of globe most of the times.

Next in the pipeline was the debut in acting of singer-composer Himesh Reshammiya. Believe you me he had the freaking guts to go unbuttoned showing cleavage even Mallika could not handle. You know one thing I like about him that he is quite a genuine person when it comes to faking and sucking. And I remember how you laughed your lungs out when I mentioned if we remove his cap he might lose his singing capability. I still say that. But how to make him stop acting now that he had another fit of guts making him touch the Rishi starrer Karz (titled Kkkaarrzz something like that). High time he got married to Ekta Kapoor. Don’t you believe they complement each other so much and are perfect for each other?

Oh yea and somewhere in between these above mentioned things Abhishek got married to Aishwarya. I wish to ignore talking on them. But as I promised I will talk of only interesting ones. Abhiwarya marriage was nauseating enough to make you believe in comparison that Rakhi Sawant is indeed a girl.

The other most interesting incident was another remake of Three Men and a Baby (after being remade by every single country that makes movie all over the world) titled Heyy Baby by debutant Sajid Khan (now don’t ask Sajid, who?). Arrey, Farah’s ditto who wears trousers and speaks as if he was stuffed with sh*t. His jokes are still cheap-as-him. The only good thing is he has been permanently banned from hosting Filmfare awards which has been taken over by possibly sleeping together duo SRK-Saif. Okay, coming to Heyy Baby, there were a dozen out-of-work babies dancing with these high-on-libido men in positions straight out of our own Kamasutra. That makes me wonder why they get offended when their MMS gets leaked. And another highly interesting point was Vidya Balan’s outfit for which she was almost forced to commit suicide. Serves her right. I can feel the instant kick you would be getting upon hearing this.

And you would be shocked and intrigued to know what happened next? Everyone seemed to be shedding clothes at the drop of hat. By everyone I mean male actors. We are yet to see female species of our industry trading that path though Rakhis and Sherlyns are inching towards that. First I thought they are competing with Shekhar Suman who unashamedly showed the cleavage on TV so much that now Himesh got complex. But naah, that wasn’t the case. They were just going Salman way after being advised and sort-of-trained-to-look-presentable by Salman himself. Actors in question here are SRK, John and a newcomer Ranbir. SRK after getting glossy six packs did rising-out-of-water act which I am sure would have made you puked right on his face. The second act was that of John shedding his top and looking endlessly at himself in the mirror while smoking and uttering something which meant “I love myself”, which made me believe his not showing bottom was surely at work by his not showing hand. Eeks, so much for self-love. Whereas the other act was silliest by any standard when Ranbir dropped his towel which made half the females drool and hyperventilate and do many other things. Out of these, six-pack gained over bare butts. And I can guess the question that popped in your head at this point. Was there hair? No darling. There weren’t. Not even teensy weensy ones. As smooth as baby’s bottom. Put you off right? What is alarming is that other like Akshay, Hrithik are following the suit. And trust me there aren’t any more heroes left a la older ones who used to give you an urge to write blood letter to them. That’s a relief to me. Sigh. J. But since when paani-me-jale-mera-gora-badan became male territory? Wasn’t that supposed to be for fairer sex?

You know how much people all over the world do get influenced by Bollywood in some way (not necessarily Indians). But this act of our male actors inspired many so much so those French and Russian presidents were also seen topless on their respective holidays.

So many got dumped too. And at one point of time it was so confusing you could not have for the heck of guessing also made out who was doing whom? Lara dumped Kelly. Kareena dumped Shahid. John was dumped and then picked. And the confusion was Bipasha dumped John for Saif who was picked by Kareena after she dumped Shahid who has now been purportedly picked by Vidya. I had to write their names on paper and join lines. I wish you were here to solve it for me sooner. Oh yes, one more thing. No one was in mourning for more than a day I guess. They were all getting dumped and picked at same rate. That makes me wonder, one moment they are deep-sucking each other tongue and next moment they go kaput and very next moment deep-sucking someone else. I miss the surrealism of the golden era and the on/off screen romances of our yesteryear stalwarts. Do you after reading this?

And there was return of mummies sort too. Though one of the returns happened recently but has been in news since last year. So these were by balding-in-front Madhuri Dixit and badly-in-need-of-threading Kajol. Madhuri still managed to win few (countable) hearts but Kajol deep-sucked in her own way.

And grand-mother of all was RGV Ki Aag. RGV Ki Aag came and burnt us offensively to be honest. It was an irredeemably flawed attempt wherein the script was written on toilet paper and flushed soon after wiping the @ss. But, I know you will agree to me when I say I still have faith in that guy who gave us Rangeela, Satya, and Company.

Until next time I see you.

Lots of Love.

Oxy