Everyone's Giving In

So, we all are safe. Nothing happened to earth or on earth. What many of us realized long back, I&B ministry felt now and lambasted India TV and Aaj Tak for creating panic. Wonder why Aaj Tak walks away with all awards every year?

So, Raj is at it again. By now I am bored to death thrashing out him and his comments on Bachchans. However, the latest one on Jaya's Hindi speech takes the cake. He has lost it. I wonder what possibly could be the cause of his nuisance? First of all, who the Fuck is he to pass any such statement? And what the heck is MNS? Some 'Navnirman' crap. Navnirman my ass. He is not even the authority. He is not government (as if government could have said it and got away with it for that matter). For me, MNS and his ideology is nothing but a piece of shit. What is he thinking by the way? Does he possess rational thinking capabilities? Or is it jus plain lack of sex in his life? Last one sounds possible.

Jaya Bachchan apologized and so did her hubby. I can imagine how much they are fucked in their mind because of Raj. I have always felt Bachchans are absolute fake people; but my heart goes out to them in this case. And they gave in to Raj.

His counterpart Ramadoss did win some brownie points for his comment on Article 377 but when it comes to his stand on Smoking and particularly of SRK at it he doesn’t have much sympathizer. So what if SRK cites reason of family and children for quitting it finally, it sure was the pressure of that Dossa guy which made him give into his commands.

And so Tata is giving into Mamta. Balaji actors are still giving into Ekta and We all are giving into the crap churned out by Himesh Bhaiya.

The guy lost oodles. So what, he looked hippo then, lizard now. And what’s with that hair-do. Looks like a wig. I do not see him in any shampoo video either. And did you guys hear him on Sa Re Ga Ma of late. Last year he was all ‘mai tere ghar me roti launga’ and this year ‘Super, mind-blowing, fantastic, history’. Do you find anything weird here? Read properly. Earlier he used to stop after fantastic. Now he is ending his blabbering with history word. Whatever that’s supposed to mean? Does he mean, “oh you created history with this song”. Haha. And his croonings in upcoming Karz are to die for. Mashallah. He beats himself in sucking with this. Aap Ka Suroor was somewhat auto-biographical so we put up with that. But, Karz. Ooops. I pray he gets enough courage to uphold all criticisms coming his way in a month or so when movie is released. Btw, who is that chick with him in that song? That green eyed beauty. She looks so skinny and pathetic that Himesh in fact scores over her and our Shilpa Shetty and Kareena are no more tensed up for ridicule coming their way every time for size zero.

So, mention of Shilpa reminds me of Bigg Boss. The lass got whopping 10 Crores for doing nautanki once a week on reality show. That makes her richest TV star surpassing Rohit Roy, Shekar Suman and their kinds. The girl had everything coming in easy for her after Big Brother fiasco. I followed her remarks closely after she came out and I for sure can say she is another fake/hypocrite/confused/without brains bimbo. She finally gave into TV.

P.S. Waiting desperately for Hrithik’s Kites.

Bollywood in 2007

Disclaimer: This was written sometime back.

Dearest Sanjana,

As I write this I am perturbed and at the same time alarmed at the present scene of our Film Industry. I feel like the ever-disturbed leading character of parallel cinema who seem to take the burden of whole world. It’s been quite some time you wrote to me and asked for what’s happening in/at/about/to our common love: Bollywood. Not that the prospect of it has improved or gone to rubbles since last time we spoke of it. All I mean is I am missing those wonderful moments we used to spent discussing the nuances of our shared love. So, here I tell you some of the interesting happenings of the last year. And now by interesting I meant: So-bloody-badly-silly-that-they-are-freaking-super-interesting.

The year started with a huge slap on our face with Water getting Oscar nominations in the top five best foreign films category as a Canadian entry. And that reminds me how we always devalued all the awards and believed in celebrating the performances rather awards. But don’t you agree it could have been our entry thanks to interference of Sangh Parivar. It served us right.

This however got sidelined as soon as we got to know our long-legged Shilpa Shetty has created a mini-riot-sort inside the closed doors of some reality show. She cried haplessly for being called something which loosely meant something which now I do not remember. And bang, she was everywhere. Later she went onto craft out some appropriate politically-incorrect-to-our-society scenes with a gora who is nowadays seen in this part of globe most of the times.

Next in the pipeline was the debut in acting of singer-composer Himesh Reshammiya. Believe you me he had the freaking guts to go unbuttoned showing cleavage even Mallika could not handle. You know one thing I like about him that he is quite a genuine person when it comes to faking and sucking. And I remember how you laughed your lungs out when I mentioned if we remove his cap he might lose his singing capability. I still say that. But how to make him stop acting now that he had another fit of guts making him touch the Rishi starrer Karz (titled Kkkaarrzz something like that). High time he got married to Ekta Kapoor. Don’t you believe they complement each other so much and are perfect for each other?

Oh yea and somewhere in between these above mentioned things Abhishek got married to Aishwarya. I wish to ignore talking on them. But as I promised I will talk of only interesting ones. Abhiwarya marriage was nauseating enough to make you believe in comparison that Rakhi Sawant is indeed a girl.

The other most interesting incident was another remake of Three Men and a Baby (after being remade by every single country that makes movie all over the world) titled Heyy Baby by debutant Sajid Khan (now don’t ask Sajid, who?). Arrey, Farah’s ditto who wears trousers and speaks as if he was stuffed with sh*t. His jokes are still cheap-as-him. The only good thing is he has been permanently banned from hosting Filmfare awards which has been taken over by possibly sleeping together duo SRK-Saif. Okay, coming to Heyy Baby, there were a dozen out-of-work babies dancing with these high-on-libido men in positions straight out of our own Kamasutra. That makes me wonder why they get offended when their MMS gets leaked. And another highly interesting point was Vidya Balan’s outfit for which she was almost forced to commit suicide. Serves her right. I can feel the instant kick you would be getting upon hearing this.

And you would be shocked and intrigued to know what happened next? Everyone seemed to be shedding clothes at the drop of hat. By everyone I mean male actors. We are yet to see female species of our industry trading that path though Rakhis and Sherlyns are inching towards that. First I thought they are competing with Shekhar Suman who unashamedly showed the cleavage on TV so much that now Himesh got complex. But naah, that wasn’t the case. They were just going Salman way after being advised and sort-of-trained-to-look-presentable by Salman himself. Actors in question here are SRK, John and a newcomer Ranbir. SRK after getting glossy six packs did rising-out-of-water act which I am sure would have made you puked right on his face. The second act was that of John shedding his top and looking endlessly at himself in the mirror while smoking and uttering something which meant “I love myself”, which made me believe his not showing bottom was surely at work by his not showing hand. Eeks, so much for self-love. Whereas the other act was silliest by any standard when Ranbir dropped his towel which made half the females drool and hyperventilate and do many other things. Out of these, six-pack gained over bare butts. And I can guess the question that popped in your head at this point. Was there hair? No darling. There weren’t. Not even teensy weensy ones. As smooth as baby’s bottom. Put you off right? What is alarming is that other like Akshay, Hrithik are following the suit. And trust me there aren’t any more heroes left a la older ones who used to give you an urge to write blood letter to them. That’s a relief to me. Sigh. J. But since when paani-me-jale-mera-gora-badan became male territory? Wasn’t that supposed to be for fairer sex?

You know how much people all over the world do get influenced by Bollywood in some way (not necessarily Indians). But this act of our male actors inspired many so much so those French and Russian presidents were also seen topless on their respective holidays.

So many got dumped too. And at one point of time it was so confusing you could not have for the heck of guessing also made out who was doing whom? Lara dumped Kelly. Kareena dumped Shahid. John was dumped and then picked. And the confusion was Bipasha dumped John for Saif who was picked by Kareena after she dumped Shahid who has now been purportedly picked by Vidya. I had to write their names on paper and join lines. I wish you were here to solve it for me sooner. Oh yes, one more thing. No one was in mourning for more than a day I guess. They were all getting dumped and picked at same rate. That makes me wonder, one moment they are deep-sucking each other tongue and next moment they go kaput and very next moment deep-sucking someone else. I miss the surrealism of the golden era and the on/off screen romances of our yesteryear stalwarts. Do you after reading this?

And there was return of mummies sort too. Though one of the returns happened recently but has been in news since last year. So these were by balding-in-front Madhuri Dixit and badly-in-need-of-threading Kajol. Madhuri still managed to win few (countable) hearts but Kajol deep-sucked in her own way.

And grand-mother of all was RGV Ki Aag. RGV Ki Aag came and burnt us offensively to be honest. It was an irredeemably flawed attempt wherein the script was written on toilet paper and flushed soon after wiping the @ss. But, I know you will agree to me when I say I still have faith in that guy who gave us Rangeela, Satya, and Company.

Until next time I see you.

Lots of Love.

Oxy

Bollywood and Eroticism

Bollywood romance today is plastic. Its all about foreign location, both hero and heroine in minimal clothes possible(one showing abs and other cleavage), and lots of smooches. Huh!!! somewhere love has transformed which cant be retract. But earlier film-makers created spell binding romance and eroticism without kiss. I was reading an article on such film-makers and tried to recollect some of my own favourite on-screen couples and their memorable romance. here they are:

1. On top wud be Dilip Kumar-Madhubala in Mughal-e-Azam. Romance between ’To-be-king’(dilip kumar) and ’concubine’(madhubala) was captured beautifully. Lovers do not think twice to break into the popular song, "Jab pyaar kiya tho darna kya" given any hurdles.

2. I would rate Nargis-Raj Kapoor’s song "pyaar hua ikraar hua hai"(shree 420) in the rain under single umbrella as the most ever erotic scene picturised.

3. The on screen affair(or was it in real?) between Amitabh and Rekha in silsila as helpless married couple(not to each other) raised many eyebrows but it remains one of the best love affairs shown on screen.

4. When Dimple said "Jaane do na" in red saree to Rishi Kapoor in her comeback film Sagar, many had their heart skipped a beat.

5. Dimple again in Dil Chahta hai romancing much younger Akshaye Khanna. I rate this as one of the best romances cuz they did not need words to express their love to each other. One painting did all.

6. Amitabh and Smitha perspiring while sitting across fire and singing “Jaane kaise kab kahan ikraar ho gaya” in movie Shakti. Smitha wearing nothing but a blanket with wet hairs falling looked mesmerizing.

7. Who can forget those sacrifices of Kamal Hassan and Rati Agnihotri in Ek Duje Ke Liye. The couple gave a whole new meaning to the word Love.

8. Manisha Koirala, a muslim girl eloping with Hindu brahmin boy Arvind swamy in much controversial Bombay gave lovers of different castes a hope.

9. Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla in Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak. Every TDH in love could relate to them.

10. Sreedevi romancing inconspicuous Anil Kapoor in Mr. India. “Kaate nahi katate ye din ye raat” became every lovers anthem.

Superstar whose surname is not Khan

I will not speak of what all movies he did or which brand he endorsed and which is my favorite Akshay movie or what he did in Bangkok before coming to movies or did he get into couch or not? I will talk simply of Akshay the actor and person.

Don’t we agree to term “numbers and figures matter the most” in movie business? Certain sections might go on and on raving how SRK came back to where he belongs with last two releases of his: brooding, bearded coach in Chak De India and bell-bottomed junior artist in OSO. I agree. No arguments. Whereas certain others with no sign of stopping criticize the above two and wonder why those production wise poverty-stricken, real and moving cinema like Manorama or Dor or Bheja Fry never get their due. I agree. No arguments. But if you can consider SRK, Aamir as THE BIG THINGS or credit Salman as superstar with nothing substantial to ascertain the status of it then why ignore Akshay who gave 4 biggest hits last year? The highest grosser in NRI market were his movies last year. So, why this sautela behavior with him? Just because he doesn’t have Khan, Khanna or Kapoor as his surname? For the lesser known his last release Welcome was his eighth hit in a row. Do I say more?

I personally hated all 4 of his movies which came last year. They were nothing more than a large sophisticated joke. But then if you are selling this big you gotta have something in you. Here I wish to disagree with Neha Dhupia (remember her?) who once said only SRK and Sex sells in Bollywood. Neha, get laid but please do not try to decipher the Bollywood formula. Akshay too sells and sells three times more than the three Khans put together.

He is the current biggest box-office draw. He is the hero every producer wants to work with barring YRFs who after Tashan decided once again not to cast him ever. They had in past decided not to ever cast him when his spectacled look cameo act in DTPH almost stole the thunder under SRK’s snob nose. Then why they came knocking for Tashan? I wonder and I wish to keep silent. K-Jos production will never hire him until SRK goes bed-ridden. SLB is too self-pitying and looks for loser as heroes which Akshay is not. And other houses do not matter. They cannot afford him. So what? Big deal. Piss on them.

He is a person who intelligently repeated his choice of film-makers but can never be referred as one belonging or rather banking on any one particular producer/director. If he has Priyadarshan then he also has Vipul Shah. He once had Abbas-Mastan duo who ditched him post Ajnabee. What happened to duo? Humraaz, Naqaab and Race came after that which all look similar apart from the name of the movie. But it took him almost a decade to prove what he is. Having been launched with forgetful Saugandh followed by series of action-packed silly movies that had Khiladi word common and later entering the unsafe zone which is called ‘comedy’, he has proved he is the true HERO in Bollywood standards. He can fight, he can dance with ease, and he can make you laugh. And to producers he gives the returns. What else you need? Now every person carrying some moolah wants to turn producer and make movie with him.

He is known to test the boundaries when it comes to doing action. He is known to cross the limits of idiocy when it comes to comedy. And I love him for that. Don’t you? And of late he has emerged as a style icon too. A decade ago he looked shabby in all his outfits making me wonder does he ever take bath but now he can pull off almost anything. Another aspect of his which is endearing is his support to needy. Now, you would say that every one worth that much money does. But wait, till you hear this. Most of the actors have invested their earnings in business and few now go onto buy sports team. SRK, Preity, Mithun, Juhi et al but Akshay decided to sponsor five Indian wrestlers and is taking care of their financial needs. And before you jump, No he did not buyDelhi Daredevils. He was mere ambassador for them.

He is not known for buying the rights of DVDs of his own movies and promoting it till they drop dead a la certain Aamir. He is not known for creating unnecessary hoopla before/after release of any of his movies. Think of top 5 actors currently ruling and Akshay does figure in the list with Hrithik and the three Khans. Still, he is just there. Narrow down and he will be gone with the wind. Shoooh, gayab. Why? Filmfare comes up with this power list every year purely based on the film’s fate. So who should get the coveted place there? Without two thoughts Akshay. He appears in the list but not on top. What the ? Do they know their math?

His new movie Singh is Kinng will be released soon, and I am sure that would be another nonsensical one like his earlier. But, the fact right now is he is the real king of Bollywood when it comes to hits and moolahs. I wish his fans many more Akshay hits. And those who are not his fan or those who are possibly getting offended by now for taking names of few actors in this article in not so nice way, I would request them to refrain from issuing a fatwa under my name.